The JDate Chronicles: Dispatches from a Burned Out JSwiper

Since the first entry of the JDate Chronicles one thing is extremely clear: JDate as a service is ineffective. It is designed in such a way that the pool of potential matches is stratified in a hodge podge of desperateness. Really. JDate serves not as a last resort, but certainly qualifies itself as a resort regardless of being first or last.

Having said that I branched out my opportunities to other services but remained in the funnel of Jewish oriented matches. This includes OkCupid and of course JSwipe. Now OkCupid is well designed and obviously has invested in a development team that is concerned with a healthy, cross platform user experience. I will leave the nerd talk there.

The amount of potential Jewish matches increased greatly on OkCupid, but the caveat was that some of these potential Jewish matches aren’t necessarily seeking like minded or similarly affiliated Jewish matches. This isn’t always the case but all users of all different types are competing with the Jewish fellows looking for love.

The Jewish Girl Perspective:

The hard data on the Jewish statistics from OkCupid is sort of impossible to provide. OkCupid has mounds and mounds of big data waiting to be sifted through, but it is possible to make some assumptions based on primary evidence obtained by this writer (me).

First off there are a lot of dudes on OkCupid. I would posit it is almost a 2:1 ratio but I am pulling this out of my ass. I have no reference point for this, except when I search for Jewish Men looking for Jewish Women in a 50 mile radius. It is astounding how many more male options there are for women than men.

So from the girl’s perspective, she is being bombarded with options, the majority of which (sorry fellas) are subpar for their tastes, and rightly so. Often times there is no effort by the male to peacock well enough. This is irrelevant though, the Jewish Men are all competing against themselves for a small pool of very attractive Jewish girls. The ratio of being sent a message (as a man) from a girl is probably slim compared to men sending women messages.

As a guy you have to take this into consideration. This girl is getting audition tapes on the daily and her inbox is full on the daily. It is a substantial chore to even address half of these messages, especially if more than half are just a cheap “Hey, how are you?” You don’t want to be a scrub but since you’re coming from a high density pool of scrubs, it’s easy to be mislabeled.

This perspective is a reason I have grown to significantly distrust these dating services. There is a great potential in meeting a match, but too many negative externalities exist. Users, both men and women, suffocate in the circumstances of an over populated field of quickly qualified scrubs. There is no filter to weed out scrubs.

(Scrubs)

The Swipe:

The swipe is a gesture that so simply embodies the problem with expecting a relationship that blossomed out of a half-a-second judgement. Tinder is one such an example. Swiping left results in a no-match potential (even if the other user swipes to match) and swiping right indicates that you find this girl matchable. The head honchos needed a way to make revenue so they started charging for swipes. It was really a two-fold response, one for the investors, and one to address the automated right swipe.

(CNN Money)

Guys on Tinder are sort of sleaze balls. Many shallow guys would swipe right no matter what as to compile as many possible matches. From there they would evaluate their matches from a scale to hook-upable to unmatch protocol. Such a disingenuous approach is really unproductive and is a turn off to many users.

Well there is a Jewish option. JSwipe is dating application that is arguably the functional clone of Tinder, just oriented for Jewish Users. There are a great deal of glitches with this application, which is to be expected as they have very few resources for development. In any case it is and has been wildly successful in the 20 something market.

Users can specify their Jewish observance:

• Just Jewish
• Orthodox
• Conservative
• Reform
• Other
• Willing to Convert

Importing your Facebook pictures and information is also highly convenient so onboarding is a breeze. When I began swiping I noticed a legitimate difference in my behavior toward making a decision to swipe. I actually took the time to look at some girls, as opposed to the Tinder tendency. I saw where they were from, what likes they had, and whether they kept kosher.

This does not change the fact that if I initially found the potential match to be unattractive I would swipe left immediately resulting in a non match status. That is where the capacity for shallowness really reveals itself, because if you're swiping left on potential matches based on looks alone, that means that a user’s decision to swipe right also begins there.

The conversation points can be solicited from the initial dispatch of this series.

With that the JSwipe Dispatches can begin.

Face to Face: Auditions are Exhausting

I think the motto of JSwipe Users on the first date is “Here’s the thing.” Girls constantly say this. Maybe it’s just an annoying analyzation, but here’s the thing, there are lots of things to find here, there, and perhaps everywhere, but the thing is certainly not nowhere.

Every single first date is some sort of audition. Networking events are like this too, it’s just introduction after introduction and it is exhausting. It does not matter whether you are an introvert or extrovert, going on a first date is an interview.

(After 15 first dates, your mind melts)

Sure the first couple of dates/auditions/interviews are fun, exciting, and nerve wracking all wrapped into a nice little rugelach of companionship. But even a rugelach can get moldy. You may find yourself wanting to establish something more meaningful because too many first dates are depleting your morale. Well guess what, this is what happened in my experience and for a lack of a better term, I really fucked up.

The “Just Seeing Each Other” Pseudo-Date Phase:

When does dating start? This is a question that is unique to every couple ever. It is a mutual decision they come to that has particular benefits and responsibilities. Everything up until that point is just preliminary relationship building.

Here’s the thing though, sometimes building relationships can have adverse affects on each individual. One person can fall in love with the other, whilst the other attempts to conjure up the same feelings. The trickiness of this situation is either extremely engaging or extremely disengaging. Restraint is necessary in order for organic feelings to really take hold.

Date Two happens, then Date Three and so on. It is crucial to end the cycle of dates if there is no connection or no reasonable expectation of connecting on a greater level, especially if things are about to get physical.

Outlining your goals for a relationship with an application like JSwipe is one way to avoid potential heartbreak. Seeing where it goes, or “going with the flow,” is a great recipe for hurt feelings.

If you’re not sure how the relationship is evolving during this “seeing each other,” phase, you need to communicate this to the other individual. If the girl is into you more than you’re into her then reorienting her by expressing the fact you’re not into her is vital. Don’t dig a hole because you don’t know how to break the news to her. It works vice versa. Claim an objection in your mind and do not lead the witness.

How do I know not to lead the witness? Because I led the witness. I was seeing a girl for nearly six weeks, We experienced some intimate moments but I can certainly say that her moments were much more intimate than mine. I was inadvertently setting up a disaster because I was too nervous to express how I felt.

Hard work is the key to any relationship. This is a mantra that has held true for centuries. This is a monumental commitment that I was just not prepared for, even after six weeks of “seeing each other.” I was intimidated by this and wholly too immature to embark on something I felt was a serious commitment.  If you feel like you’re in a position you'd rather not be in, you ought to address that.

The Break Up Protocol:

After a while of pouring yourself into a person trying to find more than just a feeling it may become evident that it’s not working out. The best case scenario is if both parties mutually agree to separate. The best case scenario is rarely at hand though.

What’s most likely is that one of the two will start feeling suffocated by the other. One is progressing in their interest while the other is either maintaining the status quo or losing interest. Just as a thunderstorm occurs when a cold front meets a warm front, so does the relationship.

Mitigating the possibility of hurt feelings needs to be the number one thing on the mind of the less interested party. He or she needs to be upfront and do it swiftly.

As this is a Jewish oriented relationship one can look at process of making sure an animal is kosher before preparation. If it is meat, then it needs to be slaughtered in the most humane way possible, and in this light so should your relationship.

I can only speak from the male perspective in this instance when I say: you must break up in person. You also must accept that you’re going to feel like a piece of shit. Better now than later though.

In terms of expressing how you feel, it’s needs to be prefaced, meaning, you need to make a contention point:

“You know, I have had a lot of fun hanging out with you Miriam,”

At that point she knows something is up, but she will not jump into conclusions. You may want to prepare for possible hysterics and explanation:

“It’s just I am trying to find a deeper connection with you, but every time I do I can’t. I don’t know why, I am just not feeling it.”

Listing reasons will not work, especially if she is overwhelmed with emotion. As men we know there are reasons as to why we might not want to see a girl. We’ve combed over them a great deal in our heads and arrive at the same conclusions. Your soon to be former partner may want to hear it, but it is worthless to tell them at that point. They will interpret these reasons with great hostility and this is why you will feel like a piece of shit.

(It will hurt more than this)

The JSwipe Cycle:

After this breakup please do not go back to the JSwipe, OkCupid, or JDate. You need to recover from the mistakes that drove you to breakup from the previous match. It takes a long time. I would posit that for every week you were seeing each other it’s like two weeks of waiting, thus, seeing a girl for six weeks means you ought to recover for twelve. This is a relative scale, but what is agreeable is there needs to be a “cool down” period.

After the cool down period there is a decision to be made that many users come to which is to consider whether online dating is effective. It is hard to tell. For a long term relationship it might not be effective insofar that more people do not end up getting married than do from these services.

The JSwipe Cycle begins with a definition of your goals. A new JSwipe Cycle means reintroducing yourself and rebuilding. If you’re not interested in this, it might be time to move on to real life.

Your Other Options: Sally’s Dilemma

Nora Ephron was a brilliant writer, director, producer, responsible for films like Sleepless in Seattle and one of my personal favorites When Harry Met Sally. It basically runs the gamut on the question of boys and girls being able to be friends. The movie does not provide a very good assessment on whether it is a good or bad idea. It does happen though, and it happens because of the reasons JDate, OkCupid, and JSwipe do not work.

The concept of being friend zoned has been bemoaned for years by dudes who are too scared to reveal their feelings to their friend (who happens to be a girl), as if the girl was required to have mutual feelings. Operating under the impression that you (as a guy) have been friend zoned means you do not believe men and women can be friends without sex or progressed expressions of affection.

But sometimes there is an instant where both friends (man and woman) do express mutually recognized feelings of attraction. It might be surprising but it stands apart from the dating services because this friend and yourself have had years to get to know each other. It is not as if you and this friend met on Craigslist. The friend could have been a childhood companion, the girl next door, or even a coworker for years. The interview process has slowly built itself on itself for so long that an established partnership is so recognizable that the only ones denying it are the two friends.

How many times have you heard someone say “Oh those two are destined to be together?” It is a facet in relationships that can cause real strife. Lets say the friend zone has been breached, and these two friends share a moment of physical affection, there is no real way to go back to the way it was before. It will exist as a memory, good or bad, for the rest of their lives.

(How everyone feels after you do get together)

The question of the moment is then: What Now? Progressing a relationship from “just friends” to “dating each other” is not a simple minded endeavor. There are consequences to dating this friend that are not necessarily in play with JDate. It’s not like you can break up with them if you’re not feeling it. This person and you have a great deal invested in each other, squandering will mean apart of you and them will be lost forever.

(Sometimes the Ending is Depressing)

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And so we’re here. Opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of dating with no answer in sight. Undergoing a year in the online dating world has uncovered a great deal of insight, but the most valuable piece of information is to be alright with the fact you know nothing. There is no right way to find love or a long term relationship, albeit there are countless wrong ways.

Good luck my friends and I hope you managed to ascertain some ideas from this dispatch.

The JDate Chronicles: Initial Dispatch

I have succumb to a reliance on online dating. It is a reality that many men and women have realized. From the outside it may seem as though it is a burdensome decision. In many ways it is an admission that you, as male or female, may not have what it takes to be Mr. or Ms. Suave. From the inside it is entirely different. It is not a last resort, it is in fact a club where opportunities are plentiful, and fruit is not necessarily hanging low, but it is not out of reach.

My experiences have value, not just for me, but I suspect they can have utility for other individuals. This first post will be a rather extensive one which establishes my own rules, followed by experiences. All names, locations, and identifying features of those I have dates with will be thoroughly disguised as to not offend anyone, except of course, for myself.

The reason I have chosen JDate is because I am a Jew, and us Jews have a small population. In addition my father asked for one thing in life from me, that being that I eventually marry a Jewish girl. He never made me promise him anything else, ever. So this exclusive promise is just one of my motivating factors of going with JDate. Plus, I allegedly do not qualify for BlackPeopleMeet.com or ChristianMingle.com, which probably have entiely different cultures and idiosyncratices that do not apply to JDate.

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The Rules.

The Profile

I can only speak from the orientation of a man seeking a woman. The male profile has many avenues and opportunities for disaster. In fact, every single choice that is offered to the male JDate user can go bad just as easily as it can go good. The philosophical implications command the male JDater to infer what his ideal type of girl is, and peacock directly to her.

Peacocking is an artform. Just as it is used in the real world, it too can be exercised on a digital front. The extent of peacockery needs to be restrained to pre-tool levels. One mustn't over do the peacocking. Expressing proper peacockery is done first and foremost in the profile description and profile pictures.

(Poor Peacockery)

The profile description ought not be brief. Just as one would want the most possible information before buying a car, or choosing a university, the most amount of relevant information is always a good thing. It helps avoid possible obstructions in the future through suprises.

‘About Me,’ is an opportunity to engage in proper peacockery. The key here is to be honest. It is not cheesy. Being honest does two things: it builds credibility, and it also eliminates possible inaccuracies you have to consider later. It cannot be brief. Nearly 23% of users are 18-35. So if the median age 26 years old, it is a lot of information to cover. Where you are from, how you were raised, what your major was in college, and your interests should all be included. Potential matches will study this in an effort to make his or her decision to talk, or date worth it.

(Source)

Following this is a section called ‘My Life and Ambitions,’ which is where the peacocking can really stretch any proverbial muscles it may have. One can express a sense of humility, and modesty, or express their desire to be the best at what they do. Your dreams have credibility because they’re dreams, they’re not realized yet. So one can be honest about how grand their ambitions are, or how practical and achievable they are, no matter what they are the JDater is still conveying honesty.

Following those two sections (among many in a profile), is what could be considered the real bait. It is titled ‘My Perfect First Date,’ and in order to connect with users that you are targeting this may have the biggest impact. This section will be further discussed on the rules for a first date.

Finally we have the pictures. You need to post as many photos as possible. Up to ten are allowed and the more you have, the more likely a potential match can make an informed decision. Do not allow the conditions for prejudice in regards to your profile if you can prevent it. Also, the type of picture needs to vary throughout all the ones posted. You need full body shots, close ups, different hairstyles, and all need to look like you. No deceiving photographs. For men, pictures without shirts is a dangerous consideration. If you got the bod to rock it, then whatever, but you really need to have that rockin’ bod to actually rock the shirtless pic. Also, if you’re fat, or um, big boned, like me, you still need to disclose this through the pictures. Pics of just the face, ten times in a row, does not convey enough information to people.

Evaluation

In no way is there a scale that can objectively determine how attractive a girl is (or a guy I guess for that matter). One must consider that the intangibles that make someone attractive are particular to them. Sure there can be an agreed upon consensus of how “hot” a girl can be, but how that interaction would develop may yield unattractive qualities. It is not as simple as saying you like blondes, or brunettes. If you’re on JDate then additional benchmarks in evaluation exist.

(I know, it’s complex)

Step one in evaluating a potential match is not how attractive they are aesthetically, or intellectually, it is actually distance. Viable relationships need to be accessible. Initiating long distance relationships is a recipe for loneliness and impedes the possibility of having success with JDate.

After considering distance, the evaluation still has to consider more benchmarks. Now, as I said before there is no objective scale of how attractive a potential match is (there are no 5’s, there are no 9’s). A general categorization does happen, and acknowledging this will greatly increase the likelihood of meeting people and hopefully developing relationships. The categorization is as follows:

• Division I
• Division II
• The rest of ‘em.

(She will not be on JDate)

(He will not be on JDate)

(She Might be on JDate)

(Okay, He could be on JDate)

One needs to lower their expectations. For instance, I am not the best lookin’ dude on the planet. I have placed myself in with the rest of ‘em. I, however, shoot for Division II. I do not even waste my time on Division I, because I am being practical. I want to meet people, not be reminded that my ideal chick is too good for me. This is not to say Division II is worse, merely different. There are really cool girls, smart, funny, and sexy in their own sort of way. They are the middle class. Division II is what is keeping the Bar Mitzvah entertainment companies in business, and partner, business is a boomin’.

The Messaging

Here’s the deal: most messages do not yield a response. This does not mean each message is a lost investment. One rule that JDaters ought to adhere to is writing original first messages for every single person they choose to message. Sure, most will not get a response, but that does not mean it is good practice for expressing sincerity and authenticity. It builds character, even it means rewriting some of the same sentiment over and over.

A first message needs to incorporate elements of the JDater in question. There has to be a reason you’re messaging someone. Incorporate that reason. Include elements of their profile. Make it brief, but certainly show that you’re not just copying and pasting. You may regret the copy and paste model  because it will be hard to keep track of so many templated responses.

By no means should one first message a potential match with something like “Hey, what’s up?” This does not fly, particularly if it is a guy messaging a girl. Unless the sender can compensate this HeyWhatsUpery crap with something like six pack abs, and an eternal scruff, do not do it (and let’s be honest, these are Jews online, ain’t nobody got them abs).

If first contact is made, congratulations, you have beaten the odds. Don’t mess it up. Follow a message by being overwhelmingly cordial. Your every word is being scrutinized. Be natural, be grammatical, and be optimistic, your potential match is just as nervous as you.

Due to JDate’s terribly outdated design the central goal of talking and messaging is more about obtaining the other party’s phone number. This is not for some nefarious goal, rather, it is to enhance the speed at which communication occurs. So important is this goal that fellas around the world have a familiar phrase for it: “Did’ya getter number, bro?” Perhaps one may remember that scene from Good Will Hunting, when Matt Damon’s character got her number and peacocked to the bros at the bar:

(“Do you like apples? Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?”)

Now Good Will Hunting may have been Great Will Hunting if they had texting in his day. The art of the text is even more complicated in the JDate universe. The guy needs to be intriguing and charming in every single text. You’re auditioning, and you don’t want to mess it up. Auditions don’t come easy in this town.

Let’s say all goes well, the peacocking, the obsessive scrutiny, and the investment in original messages, one may experience a lapse in conversational material. Gentlemen, Ladies, and all those in between, this is the gateway to the first date.

In my experience, girls are just as eager to seize the moment and recognize the gateway. It is the final step in messaging. If you have invested in the message, you ought to see the possible return on that investment. What does one have to lose?

(This JDater needs to identify the Gateway)

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The First Date:

Congratulations! You have made plans to have an actual JDate! As mentioned earlier, there is a section on ‘My Perfect First Date,’ in the profile section. This is where you establish your ground rules. I can only offer mine, but I feel they can have mass appeal.

Initially the date ought not be longer than 45 minutes. It is crucial to rely on this timer because one of two things can happen: either 45 minutes seemed too short because you clicked, or 45 minutes was an alright amount of time to tell that you guys probably don’t click. The former option is the option you want. It helps create anticipation and excitement for the second date. You’ve made it through casting calls and auditions, you’re still in consideration and there is promise. Now, if you schedule a date that is longer than 45 minutes and there is no connection, it can be a brutal, brutal JDate.

Expect awkward moments. JDate is a very unnatural way of meeting people, let us be honest. There are factors to this first date, such as it having the qualifier “First.” No one remembers their 65th date. There needs to be a mutual recognition of capable awkwardity. Let’s say you are the guy, and you notice the girl is nervous, you MUST overcompensate your personability. Drive the conversation. Anxiety is contagious, unless you address it first hand. Both men and women can be equally awkward, and as such developing countermeasures to it is vital.

(Embrace this weirdness)

(Create a tolerance to strangeness)

(Even the best of them can fall, just laugh it off)

My recommendation is to get coffee during lunch (if you’re both working professionals). This ensures the time will be brief (because both of you have to go back to work), and it also alleviates any potential pressure from the guy or girl.

If that’s not possible, go for a walk, or something that decreases expectations from both sides. When you meet, I have found the hug is generally best option for greeting your JDate. Shaking hands is a little cold and reduces the conveyance of a warm and open person.

Finally, by no means should there be any sex on the first date. This is JDate, not Tinder. If you’re on Tinder, it is, quite frankly, a completely different story. I am not sure what is going on in Division I of JDate, but Division II JDate relinquishes any rush to do it.

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Final Thoughts

These rules are strictly subjective. Whatever works, works. In the coming weeks, I will be writing about my experiences on the multiple dates I’ve gone on, and report all of my mistakes. Please use this as the foundation of my thought process.