White Girl Speech Pathology Syndrome: Where's My Phone?!

One reason popular sayings pierce the fabric of social conversationality is because the meaning of these sayings is easily conveyed. The less intellect an individual has, the more likely he or she will properly understand the conveyed phrase or saying. Clearly a claim such as this would come with disagreement, however, those with intellect may not be privy to what the majority of what the unitelligent speak of. Consider a student at Harvard University in a philosophy class. Let us then consider he or she is tasked with a writing a paper on the philosophical background of Epicureanism as a modality of the application of Hedonism. This student will not speak of #yolo, however, the meaning behind #yolo, can certainly be interpreted in very much the same way.

(These are not 'White Girls,' they're Golden Girls)

The issue the following piece will attempt to understand is how meaning is conveyed in what this writer likes to call “White Girl Speech Pathology Syndrome,” or WGSPS We will first consider a persona which unabashedly generalizes what qualifies under WGSPS. From then we will consider the role of meaning and it’s conveyance, and finally consider the phenomenological touchstone of the susceptibility of WGSPS.

White Girl Speech Pathology Syndrome Qualification

The most critical thing to know about the qualifications of WGSPS is one does not need to be white, nor a girl to be susceptible to the symptoms or condition of the syndrome. The namesake is derived from the fact that white girls are most susceptible to this syndrome.

Prime age for full blown WGSPS is between 17 and 25. Sure, puberty might be over physically, but cognitive maturation may have a hell of a ways to go. Economically these tend to be individuals who come from middle class to upper middle class, and above. The geospatial environment for their upbringing was safe, secure, and enviable.

Ideal social climate is also something that is vital for WGSPS incubation. A keen interest and understanding of the framework and structure of entertainment and pop culture is necessary. When a song comes on the pop radio the subject should be able to recognize it and be aware of variables surround the song’s artist and meaning.

Don’t believe me? Consider the classic tune Get Low, by grammy nominated artist Lil Jon. The lyrics are catchy, and the beat is great, but there was a fundamental disconnect between the meaning it had from Lil Jon’s origin and the origin of those listening to it. One of the lyrics: “SKEET SKEET,” is something a white person considers as a target for shooting with a rifle or shotgun. It is often meant for practice with bird hunting. In Lil John’s world, it meant ejaculating with such a veracity and force that it goes from the window to the wall, and it would last so long that the perspiration from his testicles becomes noticeable.

White girls love this song because of the apparent double meaning, the beat, and conveyance of meaning is taboo in a nuanced way. Dave Chappelle said it best:

Other instances of WGSPS include contemporary favorites:

• I mean
• I can’t even
• literally
• kill yourself
• #nofilter

And a few oldies, but not old enough to be ‘Throwback Thursday’ worthy:

• Swag
• #Yolo
• Tebowing
• Homie Don't’ Know Me
• Don’t be Hatin’
• Da Bomb Dot Com

Temporal Meaning

(What does that even mean?)

Meaning is not objective. Even if there was such a thing as objective meaning, the human would not be able to understand it. Meaning is derived solely from referential points in perception. The meaning of ‘Skeet,’ was different for Lil Jon than it was for his listeners.

Meaning is a two way road. There is the ascriber and the interpreter. Between the two there is a world of complicated and endless referential interpretation. The taker often misunderstands the original meaning by the intended ascriber of meaning, and can apply their own meaning. This is true in nearly every religion, political doctrine, and marriage of 10 years or more.

(Know What I’m Sayin’?)

When someone says for instance, the term “I mean,” without being prompted for explanation of meaning, it is really a cultural stressor meant to clear up a point. Tens of millions of White Girls in the English speaking world will start off a conversation with an unprompted “I mean,” and the only logical explanation is a desire to be understood a final sense. So the subject will have a thought while conversing, and respond to his or her own thought verbally as: “I mean.” A close buzz phrase related to this is “Let me be clear.” This is actually President Obama’s favorite buzz phrase:

Semantic Satiation

Words and phrases can just as easily lose meaning as gain them. One way for a word to lose its meaning real quick is to engage in semantic satiation. This is when one repeats a word or phrase over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. It begins to lose meaning:

(10 hours of the best Bill ever)

This writer would insist that semantic satiation is not something that has to have immediacy. Things can lose meaning if said over and over again in the long run. The temporal qualifier for a popular phrase loses meaning and use as its variable nuance fades. No one says ‘hogwash,’ anymore, they say ‘bullshit.’ People would understand what it means when someone says hogwash, but it’s temporal semantic satiation has rendered it of robust meaning. Calling out someone’s hogwash isn't as bad as calling someones bullshit out, even though they’re technically derived from the same meaning.

(This guys knows whats up between yo' petty hogwash)

The Lesson Here

We started from the bottom, now we are here. We came in like wrecking balls, even if we knew this was trouble. I mean, even if we were to love this like a love song, it would still be hard to like, ugh, I can’t even.

The use of these phrases, no matter how rampant, is evidence of an unconscious conformity. Now, I’m no high school goth, but I am totally for someones individual right to decide for themselves, but the WGSPS robs individuals of that right.

The Cultural Components of a Russian New Year Experience.

The cultural components which make up a truly Russian style New Years are at least marginally universal, the difference here is the revelry and meaning those of a Russian background ascribe to New Years. Of course there is drinking, eating, more drinking and at times outbreaks of vomit and blackouts, yet this happens at any holiday party or event regardless of religion, race, ethnicity or creed. The Russian experience stands out as perhaps the most cherished of cherishable opinion. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I must say to those who do not know me that I am of somewhat connected to Russian lineage, but in no way am I representative of the whole. I know enough to make a claim that the Russian New Year experience has the most sentimental value than any other experiencable sentiments in it’s category, for instance I could confidently argue that the Russian New Year experience is more cherished and enjoyable than the Chinese New Year, American New Year, Latin American New Year and African New Year experiences combined.

The following will attempt to categorize the sentimental value of the Russian New Year Experience as the best by discussing the modified universal drinking aspects, the lack of religious affiliation, and the overall interpretation of meaningful traditions.

THE DRINKING

For a moment, let us consider the Russian stereotype of drinking. We know this to be centuries old and arguably the cornerstone of the Russian experience. According a 1999 Oxford Medicine Journal study the stereotype seems to be legitimate:

‘There is now compelling evidence that alcohol has been a major factor in recent widespread changes in mortality in Russia and in other countries of the former Soviet Union. In 1985, Mikhail Gorbachev, the newly appointed General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union, instituted a large-scale anti-alcohol campaign. Within a few years, as the Soviet Union was collapsing, the campaign faltered and eventually gave way to a rapid rise in consumption, fuelled by widespread illicit production, on a massive scale. These changes were accompanied by large fluctuations in mortality.’ (McKee)

Wait, what? Those changes in consumption shows evidence of fluctuations in mortality? So, that provides evidence for the fact that Russians are willing to risk anything, including their lives, provided some sauce. In the same piece it provides a history of drinking since the tenth century (which is for those who don’t know 1,300 years ago):

‘Nearly 90% of all alcohol was in the form of spirits (vodka), a much higher figure than in other countries, and drinking typically was undertaken in binges rather than the manner of consumption in, for example, Mediterranean countries, in which wine was drunk each day with meals.’

Binge drinking Vodka is a referential characteristic of Russian culture. So here we have a people, that even in an absence of a holiday, drink heavy amounts of hard liquor. Keep in mind, this is in their nature, they were going to drink anyway. Due to Russian nature the capacity for alcoholism is staggering, in a 2009 AP report it was determined half of Russia’s post Soviet citizens died as a result of alcoholism:

‘Professor David Zaridze, head of the Russian Cancer Research Center and lead author of the study, estimated that the increase in alcohol consumption since 1987, the year when then-Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev's restrictions on alcohol sales collapsed, cost the lives of 3 million Russians who would otherwise be alive today. "This loss is similar to that of a war," Zaridze said.’

(Drinks, Anyone?)

In the same piece it presented another staggering statistic:

‘Russians currently consume almost twice the global average, the equivalent of 6.2 liters (1.64 gallons) of pure ethanol alcohol per year, the global report found. Although life expectancy here has risen slightly in recent years, Russia still has one of the lowest in Europe.’

Wow is right. So, if one assumes Russians drink like everyone else on New Years, they'd be wrong. Consider then the Russian who drinks on New Years. If an everyday American is celebrating New Years they will drink a little bit more than average, in fact, Fox News recently reported that ‘according to the Distilled Spirits Council of the United States, the $49 billion distilled-spirits industry makes more than 25% of its profits from Thanksgiving to the New Year,’ (which is of course a meaningless statistic when trying to evaluate how much actual alcohol Americans drink instead of buy, but hey, it’s Fox, what more could you expect?). If people are drinking 25% of liquor bought in America for the holiday season, one could only imagine how much the Russian will be drinking given the fact they drink way more than Americans.

A typical Russian on a Thursday.

Having said all this, it is clear the most basic of universal experiences do not match up to the amplified drinking the Russian will experience during the holiday.

ARE YOU THERE G-D? IT’S ME, SOVIET RUSSIA.

So it’s 1960 and the most interesting part of the Cold War is going on. You’ve got a G-d fearing Catholic in the White House and A Communist and Atheist Scum in... the Red House? Religion was effectively outlawed. This was communism after all, a socialist paradise according to tea party members. People did not need religion because Nietzsche said G-d died, and as such Russians could not commemorate New Years, which according to Russian Orthodox Christianity is not the day Jesus died but whatever.

There was no worship of anything. New Years was an event demarcating a metric change from one unit of time progressing to another. Very technical. It has the same meaning as celebrating every time your car hits an additional 50,000 miles.

Many Russians did have a New Years tree. Now, this is not a Christmas tree. The modern American and Western European trees are also not technically a derivative of Jesus’s birth either, rather, it is a custom and traditional from old school Europeans before the Romans came. The Tree was an idol used to worship a pagan deity of a winter solstice. So, in this aspect perhaps the tree is a religious symbol but moreover a tradition which symbolized a commitment to basic human dignity in a communist entity which largely disallowed dignity.

New Years itself is non-religious in more secular society, in Russia’s case it was super non-religious. So non-religious that even Russian Jews (who are not Russian Orthodox by affiliation of ethnicity) had trees. Its commemorative status as the one thing that did not mesh with communism was highly revered.

New Years was a state holiday in the Former Soviet Union, along with a handful of other state holiday’s. One can only describe it in nominal terms as a state holiday, but really it was a state sanctioned day off, like labor day, but you did not get a weekend, you got off early on New Years Eve and got off New Years Day then back to the factory and waiting in lines.

This sets a Russian New Years apart from other experiences. The day is purely social, an invention and implemented cultural phenomenon that everyone enjoys in Russia. In America we have too many holidays to choose from and as a result it lowers the tolerance of our holiday high. They wait for it all year.

(The Soviet on New Years Eve)

THE INTERPRETATION OF MEANINGFUL TRADITIONS

Besides the obvious drinking tradition there are several meaningful traditions which are worth discussing in terms of the Russian New Years experience being the most cherishable and enjoyable. Some interpretations of New Years on a universal plane are about fresh starts, it is about the future and about resolutions. This is accurate of the Russian experience, however, they take into account the past. How do Russians take the past into account? They get sweaty.

A trip to the banya is in order for many men and women. The banya refers to a sauna, dry, wet, hold, or cold, but always with just a towel. The men often bring vodka. It is a method to clear the body of literal toxins and clear the mind of a years worth of accumulated stress and concerns. It is a bonding experience and absolutely disgusting if someone pukes. This type of experience has more meaning than the modern American conception of New Years, whereas New Years often is a time of projections, futures and hope, Russia’s conception is often a time of reflection, evaluation and inebriation whilst doing so.

(Dramatization of a Russian Banya Experience I).

(Dramatization of a Russian Banya Experience II).

(Dramatization of a Russian Banya Experience III).

There is even an annual movie many Russian families watch before heading out to their respective parties. The movie, which is called The Irony of Fate and/or Enjoy Your Banya is a 1976 film about a guy who lives in this one city which thanks to Soviet building codes is designed precisely like other cities (which was NOT an exaggeration, many cities had the same design plan down to the apartment buildings, streets and parks). The main character leaves his apartment and his fiance to go the banya with the fellas. He ends up getting wasted, and not 2013 white girl wasted, like 1976 Russian wasted, which is way more wasted than anything anyone has ever seen. He then boards a plane to another city, while drunk, gets off to a familiar setting, goes to what he thinks is his apartment and flips out when another woman is there. Those two fall in love and the entirety of the Former Soviet Union did as well. What kind of interpreted meaning can be derived from this? Nothing, it just revives and causes older Russians to experience nostalgia and relive a time where things were simpler, when you could get drunk, drunkley fly to another copy city, meet a girl and fall in love, all of which was totally and obscurely possible.

Russians love this movie like know other. The experience of watching it with the family, pointing out things some may not have known are in and of themselves an experience worth having and is totally exclusive to Russians.

(Russians Expressing Joy About The Irony of Fate)

FINALE

The components which were mentioned briefly here, that make up the experience of a Russian New Years are clear. One who has not thoroughly experienced a Russian New Year is at a detriment because the enjoyability is greater than any other New Years Experience.

Have a happy New Year!

(Everyone on New Years Day).

Toby Keith's I (sort of don't) Love This Bar and Grill.

            Yesterday evening I had the fine pleasure of wishing my good friend a safe time off in the military. We had decided to go out in one last symbolic hurrah. The destination was “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill.” The following will be a brief and non-professional analysis of why this place exists and what it means about our society (hopefully).

            In 2012 there seemed to be quite a bit of bashing on superficial sub-cultures, the most famous of which is certainly engaging in “hipster-bashing.” I suppose the next largest group is Country Music Fans. It is very easy to make fun of these fans, but the entire culture of “country” is very hard to take in from an outside perspective.

            Country music has its roots in folk music. One of my favorite performers, songwriters and over brilliant entertainer is John Denver, and he has a strong following. His music is grounded and has its basis in wonderful folk that poetically describes the country he loves. There is never an over the top moment with John Denver, he never puts his boot up anyone’s ass, because he’s a pacifist folk hero, not an American Country Superstar in 2013. Everyone loves John Denver because he does it for the music and his love for country is not commercial patriotism, it’s sincere and authentic love for country roads, and high Rocky Mountains. He strays away from talking about America in a political way and sticks to poetic displays (which is always more admirable). His love of country is not the same as patriotism, these concepts are easily mistaken as the same, Denver aligns himself with the nature of America, rather than the ideals of some sort of conservative base market. Folk music should not be bashed; James Taylor is another brilliant folk singer as well as folk’s heroes’: Simon and Garfunkel. Obviously their music went away form country but songs like “The Boxer” include the formulaic structure Country Music stars look for today.

            Country Music today is a lifestyle, there exists a uniform, a mindset, heck even a political agenda. Perhaps the most general of these categories of lifestyle is the accent. Here is where I am absolutely confused about Country Music Singers: how is there an accent in your singing? People are familiar with foreign singers like: Seal, Robert Plant, Shakira, The Scorpions, Robbie Williams, The Spice Girls, and oh, The Beatles do not have such identifiable accents in their songs, granted on some tracks you can hear them but it’s not an actual staple gimmick of the songs. Why is the accent just as important as the ability of the guitar player?

            This lifestyle does not end at the accent. The uniform is something that is rather peculiar. Cowboy boots, Cowboy hats, Chaps, and Spurs have actual utility in that they have a purpose, a use. The boots are for stepping in cow shit, and to walk in mud mixed with shit when you heard cattle, or otherwise anything dealing with being a COWBOY. The hat is to protect you from the sun, it has actual utility, however, there is no sun inside Toby Keith’s bar. Chaps are for protecting your legs from angry bulls and any other injuries that can occur to the lower limbs while dealing with all types of cattle. The spurs, obviously, are for stabbing a horse in the side region so it will listen to you. All these aspects have proper utilities that seem out of place in Rosemont’s Toby Keith bar. The uniform is akin to wearing sunglasses at night; people who do that are either blind or want people to think their expensive glasses are cool. If it’s the latter then you know that the intent is rather insincere and superficial which is so tacky.

            Perhaps the greatest tackiness that exists is the modern day political agenda that is attached to commercial country music. Now clearly such a conservative base would make me uncomfortable, but it has nothing to do with the fact that the people are conservative, it has everything to do with the musicians actively purporting an agenda by way of music. There is a clear opposing standard, many hip-hop musicians, and rock musicians, and pretty much anything not country is rather liberal, and when Jay-Z and Katy Perry have a concert for Barack Obama this is also really troubling. I didn't happen to be in another type of “liberal club” though; this was Toby Keith’s bar. Toby Keith’s music revolves around divisive nationalism that believes there’s only one American way: Boots in Asses. Toby Keith’s bar is located less than 15 miles away from the murder capital of the country, where bullets go in heads and it’s the Chicago way. He has not considered the validity of any opposing modality of thought, anything not up to Toby’s standards isn't American, so he’ll quickly place a boot in your ass and you’ll find out.

            Many of Toby’s songs are highly “patriotic.” He does do a lot for the military, this is highly commendable. He runs charities for them, he plays shows for them, he makes the military feel loved (even though they universally are). In my personal opinion, this is a fine way to sustain a large and multi-generational fan base, ensuring that his fans in the military buy his music, go to his bar, and vote the way he wants them too. Yeah, I know, conspiracy theory alert, but really, I am sure there were many servicemen at this bar I was at, in fact, I was with a serviceman. He loved Toby Keith, all the other white people and one black person loved Toby Keith, and I was like the poor philosopher who found the way out of the cave (maybe lucky).

            This particular bar is outrageously large. There are two floors, several restaurant sections, a very large stage, and a massive guitar shaped bar. American symbolism is generously sprinkled everywhere, and you’d never forget it. The beer is served in mason jars, because in America, we fancy boots in our bums and beer in our storage devices. Despite the tackiness of the jar, it cost $12 for a blue moon. Now, I understand such a place would have beer that costs a little higher, $7, maybe $8 I would understand, but $12? Maybe I’m just Jewish, or maybe I’m just a really price conscious American, capitalism baby!

            Perhaps the finely interesting thing is that there was cover we had to pay. Granted it was cheap, $5, I felt like a child. I was going to a bar; a country bar in a highly developed suburb of Chicago, the fact that I had to pay to get is a reminder: it’s the American way.

          

            I want to wish my friend a safe time on duty, perhaps you’ll be careful on the missions involving putting boots up combatants asses, but you can use that tag line, courtesy of the red, white and blue (even though France, the UK, Russia and perhaps tens of other countries are red, blue and white, but they don’t wear the proper boots).

A Chicago Original: 'Black Wednesday.'

            It has come to the attention of this writer that a certain event before Thanksgiving happens every year in Chicago. The day is known as ‘Black Wednesday.’ It is the culmination of college students, young upcoming professionals and other unspecified demographics of partiers congregating at bars and clubs to make a mockery of any civility they have. Since many do not have work or anything the day before Thanksgiving it is a seen as a prime opportunity for debauchery. This piece will attempt to identify patterns, trends and (hopefully) statistics that will garner a better characterization of this emerging event.

First off, if one were to do a simple online search, without the aid of scholarly databases one would find a particularly strange occurrence: This is a real Chicago holiday. In fact, the first result tends to be an Urban Dictionary submission:

“Nov 22nd Day in Chicago where all the students come home from college for the holidays; the Biggest College Party night of the year.”

Now, this submission was made in 2006. Clearly this date would be adjusted to suit the last Wednesday of November, but I will not scorn this user for his lack of common sense. Then if one does a search for news regarding Black Wednesday, results from “Metro Mix,” and other party and event publications present where the best places are to go. Certain bars run “Blackout Wednesday,” specials. If one tries to his or her best ability they may find a story in Washington State about “Black Wednesday,” but other than that this event seems to be strictly regulated to Chicago. We’ll take it.

Indeed there is a propensity for Chicago to stretch its muscles in terms of drinking.  In a piece for Examiner.com, Maryellen Grady compiled some fascinating statistics, one of which included “A study done in 2007 by the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) said, of the 15 largest cities in the country, Chicago topped the list for binge drinking. The study reported 25.7 percent of Chicagoans are binge drinkers, well over the national average.” This Black Wednesday was made for Chicago. It quite honestly is the perfect storm of circumstances for bars, and especially the beer producers of Chicago, Pabst and Goose Island see this as a positive externality of Thanksgiving.

Chicagoans propensity to drink doesn't end with that. Take for instance if you will a fine Sunday in November, the fourth of November in this 2012 calendar when the Chicago Bears played the Titans of Tennessee. The Bears destroyed the Titans with a score of 51-20 and as it happened the majority of attendees at the game may have been mostly Bears fans, "They've traveled well. Hats off to our fans, it's been a fun year -- Dallas, Jacksonville, here it's been crazy to watch the Bears fans take over," Cutler said after the game. "You know you have a ton of fans when you're in an away stadium in the red zone and I'm trying to get the crowd to hush up and they're responding.  They got quiet in a hurry, so it makes it fun." Cool story bro, what’s the point? Well, after the game the Chicago fans went to celebrate and drank Nashville dry! This is no exaggeration, according to NBC Chicago “Nashville wasn't quite prepared for the many Bears fans who descended on its town, as bars ran out of the beer. The Paradise Trailer Park Resort, just across the river from the Titans stadium, was out of bottled beer by Sunday evening. The Whiskey Bent Saloon had just two brands of beer left by the time the Chicago contingent left town.”  Chicago doesn't mess around, I guess.

What motivates the youth of this fine city to create such a valid stereotype? Why does Black Wednesday have so much steam behind it? According to a report filed by the Center for Prevention Research and Development, Chicago’s youth starts early when drinking. “Within the City of Chicago, alcohol is the most prevalent drug among youth. The prevalence of alcohol use is more than double that of any other drug,” (CRPD 2008).

They even included a graph:

(CRPD 2008).

So Chicago starts early. This imprint of binge drinking doesn't end there. What follows the unifying theme of the night is a very strong shattering of demographic factions, that is, those who chose to go to clubs, those who chose to go to bars, those who chose to go to specific hipster-esqe bars, and those who stay at home and are part of the 17.2 percent of all grades in high school who smoke marijuana.

Having asked some of my fellow Chicagoans about their procedural experience of the event there were a few stipulations: “it seems like people want to start earlier on Black Wednesday so they have time to explore their options throughout the night. Also, I know some people like to start earlier tonight so they're able to do things in the morning w/ family… People go to pregames earlier and stay there longer to get more liquored up before going out,” said Loyola Student Stas Moldavskiy. He later went on to describe that people aren’t as separated like mentioned earlier: “I think people are typically in the mood to do bar then club. The bar part is more of a continuation to the pregame. While the club part is the ‘now that I'm liquored up, I can dance.’”

            There does exist a contingent of individuals that fiercely guards their right to saying they were her or there in terms of hipster dynamics. I cannot begin to explain this strange phenomenology of the hipster here, but needless to say, the place where the hipster ends up and why is very, very complicated.

            ANYWAY, the necessary empirical observation here is the local bar. A vast majority of people in the greater Chicagoland area will not be going to the city and partying like a rockstar turkey (although there may be a sizable and notable amount of individuals gettin’ stuffed like turkey’s, (alcoholically and sexually)), rather they’ll be visiting the local watering hole and running into that kid in high school whose name you can’t remember but face you can. It’s like an unofficial homecoming or high school reunion. It is a peculiar place to find yourself in. It reminds this writer of ACT I of a dramedy  where the main character goes home and runs into all those people that remind him or her what made them… them. It’s cliché, but you can actively experience that this evening at your hometown establishment and you should embrace it. It can create a sense of density and meaning in a world that can seem to lack it.

            There is perhaps no real valuable thing that can be derived from Black Wednesday, unlike the next day. Should one find him or herself in the bar a couple miles away from their childhood home perhaps they could ponder over the moments and memories created in this hometown of theirs.

            One final thing, of all the research compiled for this short report, I could find nothing on what the South Side does. That’s a whole other Chicago that rarely gets mentioned, but this fact should be disclosed.

            Happy Thanksgiving, and enjoy your Black Wednesday! 

(If you have something to add, feel free to comment!)

"Proceed With Caution," Thoughts on Funeral Processions.

In Illinois a driver should know that if another vehicle is traveling in a funeral procession it has the right of way. We don’t seem them often, but when we do a sense of respect comes about everyone surrounding it. These processions of course are not rampant, they happen and people see them. Other drivers are momentarily mesmerized for a slew of reasons.

Processions can exist without the funeral. They come from the french word meaning to proceed, or to go fourth. There are processions celebrating happy things. There are common images of military processions, from the former Soviet Union, and even modern day North Korea. Missiles, tanks and thousands upon thousands of soldiers march in a very robotic way in complete unison:

(Battle Ready for 1776)
(This Picture is showing 27 Furry Hats among tens.)

(Battle Ready for 2012)
(This picture is showing 50 Rocket Propelled Grenades among thousands)

So, as we can see, it’s a global thing. We as Americans rarely show our military might, we prefer to watch football than witness these processions.

In years past the funeral procession used to take place very much like a march. People would walk from the place of worship to the burial site. The walk could last a while if your local Church or Synagogue didn’t invest in a cemetery. Horses and carriages would be involved with participants choosing to walk or be on additional horses. The hearse on occasion had glass around it, so participants could see inside.

(You can rent this bad boy, driver included!)

In modern times the trend has seen long processions involving personal modes of transportation, that is people just drive in a line. The interesting thing here is the exceptions they have on the road. They can drive through red lights, and have the right of way every single time (with the exception of an emergency vehicle).

When drivers notice the procession they should be weary. Bill Daley of the Tribune Company did a piece on the how to’s of driving in one as well as being someone in the vicinity of a procession, “"The basic rule of thumb is just respect... One should never, ever, cut into the middle of a funeral procession."” wrote Daley.

It is to be expected in this day in age that drivers are a bit poor in their methods of actual driving. Phones, radars, radios and makeup have the real capacity to make normal drivers bad ones. So with the devolution of the modern driver some may be very confused as to what to do. Well, first off use that element of respect, just get out of the way. Do not under any circumstances enter the procession. If you do, you risk immediate shame from the surrounding drivers and you are actively disrespecting the grieving. 

(This man is aware, "Click it or Ticket.")

In some states there is a usually one escort for every 10 - 12 cars, sometimes it’s the actual police, but there is fewer and fewer departments who are involved these days. More often it is an employee of the funeral home, and it helps when one is in the front and one in the back. Illinois law requires hazard lights to be on and to drive five miles under the speed limit.

There is one element of the procession that can have a direct effect on the spectating drivers: we are all going to die. It gives one the chance to sit back, breathe and belt out a Keanu Reeves style “woah.” Not many things can do this everyday in our lives. Especially since we’re all ironically proceeding to somewhere, particularly in the car. When we are proceeding in our cars to wherever and come across a funeral procession, we stop proceeding, so the dead can proceed in its procession to wherever the dead proceed to. Complicated, but very insight worthy.

The Funeral Procession No.3 12x18 Giclee On Canvas (Google Affiliate Ad)