I have succumb to a reliance on online dating. It is a reality that many men and women have realized. From the outside it may seem as though it is a burdensome decision. In many ways it is an admission that you, as male or female, may not have what it takes to be Mr. or Ms. Suave. From the inside it is entirely different. It is not a last resort, it is in fact a club where opportunities are plentiful, and fruit is not necessarily hanging low, but it is not out of reach.
My experiences have value, not just for me, but I suspect they can have utility for other individuals. This first post will be a rather extensive one which establishes my own rules, followed by experiences. All names, locations, and identifying features of those I have dates with will be thoroughly disguised as to not offend anyone, except of course, for myself.
The reason I have chosen JDate is because I am a Jew, and us Jews have a small population. In addition my father asked for one thing in life from me, that being that I eventually marry a Jewish girl. He never made me promise him anything else, ever. So this exclusive promise is just one of my motivating factors of going with JDate. Plus, I allegedly do not qualify for BlackPeopleMeet.com or ChristianMingle.com, which probably have entiely different cultures and idiosyncratices that do not apply to JDate.
The Rules.
The Profile
I can only speak from the orientation of a man seeking a woman. The male profile has many avenues and opportunities for disaster. In fact, every single choice that is offered to the male JDate user can go bad just as easily as it can go good. The philosophical implications command the male JDater to infer what his ideal type of girl is, and peacock directly to her.
Peacocking is an artform. Just as it is used in the real world, it too can be exercised on a digital front. The extent of peacockery needs to be restrained to pre-tool levels. One mustn't over do the peacocking. Expressing proper peacockery is done first and foremost in the profile description and profile pictures.
(Poor Peacockery)
The profile description ought not be brief. Just as one would want the most possible information before buying a car, or choosing a university, the most amount of relevant information is always a good thing. It helps avoid possible obstructions in the future through suprises.
‘About Me,’ is an opportunity to engage in proper peacockery. The key here is to be honest. It is not cheesy. Being honest does two things: it builds credibility, and it also eliminates possible inaccuracies you have to consider later. It cannot be brief. Nearly 23% of users are 18-35. So if the median age 26 years old, it is a lot of information to cover. Where you are from, how you were raised, what your major was in college, and your interests should all be included. Potential matches will study this in an effort to make his or her decision to talk, or date worth it.
Following this is a section called ‘My Life and Ambitions,’ which is where the peacocking can really stretch any proverbial muscles it may have. One can express a sense of humility, and modesty, or express their desire to be the best at what they do. Your dreams have credibility because they’re dreams, they’re not realized yet. So one can be honest about how grand their ambitions are, or how practical and achievable they are, no matter what they are the JDater is still conveying honesty.
Following those two sections (among many in a profile), is what could be considered the real bait. It is titled ‘My Perfect First Date,’ and in order to connect with users that you are targeting this may have the biggest impact. This section will be further discussed on the rules for a first date.
Finally we have the pictures. You need to post as many photos as possible. Up to ten are allowed and the more you have, the more likely a potential match can make an informed decision. Do not allow the conditions for prejudice in regards to your profile if you can prevent it. Also, the type of picture needs to vary throughout all the ones posted. You need full body shots, close ups, different hairstyles, and all need to look like you. No deceiving photographs. For men, pictures without shirts is a dangerous consideration. If you got the bod to rock it, then whatever, but you really need to have that rockin’ bod to actually rock the shirtless pic. Also, if you’re fat, or um, big boned, like me, you still need to disclose this through the pictures. Pics of just the face, ten times in a row, does not convey enough information to people.
Evaluation
In no way is there a scale that can objectively determine how attractive a girl is (or a guy I guess for that matter). One must consider that the intangibles that make someone attractive are particular to them. Sure there can be an agreed upon consensus of how “hot” a girl can be, but how that interaction would develop may yield unattractive qualities. It is not as simple as saying you like blondes, or brunettes. If you’re on JDate then additional benchmarks in evaluation exist.
(I know, it’s complex)
Step one in evaluating a potential match is not how attractive they are aesthetically, or intellectually, it is actually distance. Viable relationships need to be accessible. Initiating long distance relationships is a recipe for loneliness and impedes the possibility of having success with JDate.
After considering distance, the evaluation still has to consider more benchmarks. Now, as I said before there is no objective scale of how attractive a potential match is (there are no 5’s, there are no 9’s). A general categorization does happen, and acknowledging this will greatly increase the likelihood of meeting people and hopefully developing relationships. The categorization is as follows:
- Division I
- Division II
- The rest of ‘em.
(She will not be on JDate)
(He will not be on JDate)
(She Might be on JDate)
(Okay, He could be on JDate)
One needs to lower their expectations. For instance, I am not the best lookin’ dude on the planet. I have placed myself in with the rest of ‘em. I, however, shoot for Division II. I do not even waste my time on Division I, because I am being practical. I want to meet people, not be reminded that my ideal chick is too good for me. This is not to say Division II is worse, merely different. There are really cool girls, smart, funny, and sexy in their own sort of way. They are the middle class. Division II is what is keeping the Bar Mitzvah entertainment companies in business, and partner, business is a boomin’.
The Messaging
Here’s the deal: most messages do not yield a response. This does not mean each message is a lost investment. One rule that JDaters ought to adhere to is writing original first messages for every single person they choose to message. Sure, most will not get a response, but that does not mean it is good practice for expressing sincerity and authenticity. It builds character, even it means rewriting some of the same sentiment over and over.
A first message needs to incorporate elements of the JDater in question. There has to be a reason you’re messaging someone. Incorporate that reason. Include elements of their profile. Make it brief, but certainly show that you’re not just copying and pasting. You may regret the copy and paste model because it will be hard to keep track of so many templated responses.
By no means should one first message a potential match with something like “Hey, what’s up?” This does not fly, particularly if it is a guy messaging a girl. Unless the sender can compensate this HeyWhatsUpery crap with something like six pack abs, and an eternal scruff, do not do it (and let’s be honest, these are Jews online, ain’t nobody got them abs).
If first contact is made, congratulations, you have beaten the odds. Don’t mess it up. Follow a message by being overwhelmingly cordial. Your every word is being scrutinized. Be natural, be grammatical, and be optimistic, your potential match is just as nervous as you.
Due to JDate’s terribly outdated design the central goal of talking and messaging is more about obtaining the other party’s phone number. This is not for some nefarious goal, rather, it is to enhance the speed at which communication occurs. So important is this goal that fellas around the world have a familiar phrase for it: “Did’ya getter number, bro?” Perhaps one may remember that scene from Good Will Hunting, when Matt Damon’s character got her number and peacocked to the bros at the bar:
(“Do you like apples? Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?”)
Now Good Will Hunting may have been Great Will Hunting if they had texting in his day. The art of the text is even more complicated in the JDate universe. The guy needs to be intriguing and charming in every single text. You’re auditioning, and you don’t want to mess it up. Auditions don’t come easy in this town.
Let’s say all goes well, the peacocking, the obsessive scrutiny, and the investment in original messages, one may experience a lapse in conversational material. Gentlemen, Ladies, and all those in between, this is the gateway to the first date.
In my experience, girls are just as eager to seize the moment and recognize the gateway. It is the final step in messaging. If you have invested in the message, you ought to see the possible return on that investment. What does one have to lose?
(This JDater needs to identify the Gateway)
The First Date:
Congratulations! You have made plans to have an actual JDate! As mentioned earlier, there is a section on ‘My Perfect First Date,’ in the profile section. This is where you establish your ground rules. I can only offer mine, but I feel they can have mass appeal.
Initially the date ought not be longer than 45 minutes. It is crucial to rely on this timer because one of two things can happen: either 45 minutes seemed too short because you clicked, or 45 minutes was an alright amount of time to tell that you guys probably don’t click. The former option is the option you want. It helps create anticipation and excitement for the second date. You’ve made it through casting calls and auditions, you’re still in consideration and there is promise. Now, if you schedule a date that is longer than 45 minutes and there is no connection, it can be a brutal, brutal JDate.
Expect awkward moments. JDate is a very unnatural way of meeting people, let us be honest. There are factors to this first date, such as it having the qualifier “First.” No one remembers their 65th date. There needs to be a mutual recognition of capable awkwardity. Let’s say you are the guy, and you notice the girl is nervous, you MUST overcompensate your personability. Drive the conversation. Anxiety is contagious, unless you address it first hand. Both men and women can be equally awkward, and as such developing countermeasures to it is vital.
(Embrace this weirdness)
(Create a tolerance to strangeness)
(Even the best of them can fall, just laugh it off)
My recommendation is to get coffee during lunch (if you’re both working professionals). This ensures the time will be brief (because both of you have to go back to work), and it also alleviates any potential pressure from the guy or girl.
If that’s not possible, go for a walk, or something that decreases expectations from both sides. When you meet, I have found the hug is generally best option for greeting your JDate. Shaking hands is a little cold and reduces the conveyance of a warm and open person.
Finally, by no means should there be any sex on the first date. This is JDate, not Tinder. If you’re on Tinder, it is, quite frankly, a completely different story. I am not sure what is going on in Division I of JDate, but Division II JDate relinquishes any rush to do it.
Final Thoughts
These rules are strictly subjective. Whatever works, works. In the coming weeks, I will be writing about my experiences on the multiple dates I’ve gone on, and report all of my mistakes. Please use this as the foundation of my thought process.
